Why Sara is Gone
by griot aka Michele
Summary: Where is Sara? And why is Grissom so upset? A response to the firing rehiring fiasco of 2004.


This story was writtenas an emotional response to the firing/rehiring fiasco of 2004. There was no beta, so all responsibility is my own.

RatedM for frank sexual discussion.

Disclaimer: These characters belong to Paramount Pictures, CBS Alliance Atlantis and other sundry corporation who don't treat them properly. I make no money, nor claim to creativity.

Chapter One

"Dr. Grissom, go home and get some rest," said Director Cavallo. "You are to take at least 3 days vacation." As Grissom opened his mouth to protest, Cavallo added, "Or 3 days suspension. One way or another, you are to go home. CSI Willows will drive you."

Catherine was worried about Grissom. She had been ever since Sara had abruptly resigned 5 months ago. Even before Sara's departure, something was wrong. You could cut the tension with a knife when the two of them were together. Which wasn't often. Grissom hadn't worked a case with Sara for at least six weeks before she left. After she left, he became morose and buried himself in his work. Catherine was pretty certain Sara was at the root of Grissom's problem.

Things had gradually gotten worse. He was in his 4th straight shift working this particular case. And it was nothing more than a petty robbery. He hadn't slept in at least 72 hours.

Catherine had decided it was time for an intervention. But she couldn't do it alone.

She had gone to Cavallo's office and explained Grissom's obsession with this case. She didn't mention his emotional state of the past 6 months. She emphasized Grissom's importance to the lab and the affect on his health the long hours took. She pointed out the insignificance of the case on which he was working. Cavallo was more than happy to assert his authority and force Grissom to rest.

As Grissom rose from his chair and reached for his jacket, he gave Catherine a scathing look. She followed him out to her car.

"I guess I am to be stranded without my vehicle?"

"I'll get one of the guys to come with me and drive it over tomorrow after shift. You won't need it before then." Catherine could feel the chill coming from the passenger side of the car as she drove to Grissom's townhouse.

As Catherine turned off the vehicle, Grissom curtly said, "You don't have to escort me up. I'll be a good boy and go home."

Playfully, Catherine responded, "I have to be able to tell the big boss I completed my task successfully. I'm going to make sure you get into bed. Besides, we need to talk."

"I'm not in the mood to talk with you right now, Catherine. I am perfectly aware of your role in this matter. And I'm not amused."

Catherine doggedly followed Grissom to his door and followed him in.

"Go away, Catherine. I don't want to talk to you." Grissom dropped on to his sofa and kicked off his shoes.

Catherine went to the cabinet in which Grissom kept his liquor. It had been awhile since she had been over for a friendly dinner. But the liquor was in the same place. She grabbed the bottle of scotch and 2 glasses. Walking over to the sofa, she sat down and poured the scotch into the glasses. Catherine handed one to Grissom and took a drink from her own glass.

"Grissom, what happened between you and Sara?"

Grissom tensed. "What has Sara got to do with this?" He drained his glass.

Catherine shook her head and, smiling, filled his glass again. "You and I both know that Sara has everything to do with this. Before she left, you two were so uncomfortable around each other, the rest of us were uncomfortable. You didn't act surprised when she left. And ever since, you have turned within yourself, delving into whatever case is at hand and acting like the rest of us were…I don't know, an inconvenience maybe?

"Something happened with Sara that changed you, Gil. Tell me what it was. Maybe I can help.'

Grissom gazed into his now empty glass and shook his head. "There is nothing you can do, Catherine. I was a fool. At least Sara can move on with her life." He poured another glass and drank it, slower this time.

"Maybe there's something you've missed in this. When we have a case that looks unsolvable, we call in another CSI for a new perspective, to see if we've missed something. Give me the evidence and I'll see if my new perspective can solve this for you."

"Catherine, it's personal. And a bit… embarrassing." The alcohol was making him sleepy and he leaned his head onto the back of the sofa.

"Gil, you have heard so many of the embarrassing moments of my life, it's time you shared one with me," Catherine said playfully. Seeing no response, she continued seriously, "Maybe if you talk this out with someone, with me, you can get it out of your system and get some sleep."

"I can't sleep. When I sleep, I dream of Sara." Grissom's eyes were red and bleary.

"Gil, it kills me to see you hurting like this. Please, let me in. Let me help."

Maybe it was the alcohol. Maybe it was the lack of sleep. Maybe it was the need to lean on someone. Grissom sighed and began.

"The Linley Parker case was a tough one. It affected us all. Sara more than the rest of us, I think." Catherine nodded her head in agreement. "After we processed Todd Coombs, I got a phone call." Grissom hesitated. Sara's near DUI was not common knowledge and he intended it to remain so. "Let's just say, I went to Sara's apartment with her. I guess the case had affected me more than I realized as well. Because all the barriers I had built to resist my feelings for Sara crumbled that night. She needed comforting. And when I opened up to comfort her, my love for her came flooding out. We…" Grissom paused.

Catherine filled in, "You consummated the love you both had been fighting for years."

Grissom winced. "Yes…and no. I…finished before she did." Grissom turned red.

Catherine's eyes opened wide. "Oh", was the only response she had. "So Sara was…unsatisfied?"

Grissom looked up horrified. "Of course not. I love her. I couldn't do that. I…finished the job manually.

"But it made me realize what a fool I was to think we could have a relationship. I'm an old man incapable of the stamina required to satisfy a young woman. How long do you think it would be before she realized she could do better? I had to save her the heartache of trying to let me down easy. I had to give her the opportunity to move on."

"So you told her it was over before it started?"

Grissom shook his head. "I didn't say anything. I acted as if it didn't happen."

Catherine covered her face with her hands.

"No wonder the tension was so thick around you two. I can't believe she stayed, what, a month after the fact?"

"Five weeks, 4 days."

"She loves you more than you deserve."

Grissom stared at Catherine. "She stayed for almost six weeks, waiting for you to come to your senses. Or realizing you never would, but needing to be near you anyway. Until she couldn't take it any more.

"You men just don't get it, do you? Sex isn't about orgasm. Well, that's not true. If we never had an orgasm, we'd be pretty… well, unsatisfied. For women, sex is more about being as close as you possibly can to the man you love. It's about sharing the most intimate part of yourself with someone who is willing to do the same with you. It's about becoming totally and completely one.

"You showed Sara how much you loved her when you helped her climax even after you had achieved your own. I'm sure she loved you for it. I know I would.

"You think you're an old man. But what you are is a man of maturity who understands that a relationship takes stamina. But you are confused about what kind of stamina. It's not the sexual kind. It's emotional stamina that creates a lasting, loving relationship."

Grissom huffed, "Then I'm doubly screwed. Because I am an emotional eunuch."

Catherine smiled. "If that were the case, I don't think we'd be having this discussion. You love Sara. The inability of that love to flourish in the open is what is killing you.

"Go find her. Tell her. Don't let both of your lives be ruined."

Grissom sighed. "I can't. She has moved on. Let her find the person she is meant to be with."

"And what if that person is you?"

Grissom shook his head and closed his eyes. "Let it go, Cath." Exhaustion had overtaken him.

Catherine wanted to convince Gill that he needed Sara as much as Sara needed him. But even if it was simply from exhaustion, Gil was finally asleep. Catherine had found out the problem. Now she would have to work on the solution.

Chapter Two

It had been embarrassingly easy to track Sara down. Catherine had simply sent a letter to her old address. It had been returned to her with the forwarding address label slapped on the front.

She hadn't been prepared for the Tamales Bay location. Somehow, she hadn't pictured Sara as someone who would run home to mommy. The situation with Grissom must have been more traumatizing than she had realized. She had a feeling her work was cut out for her.

She should have thought ahead to make reservations at the Bed & Breakfast before she had actually put in for the vacation. The B & B was booked solid for the entire three days. This axed her plan of coincidently showing up there for her holiday with Lindsay. But a nearby resort was recommended that catered to kids. Catherine was able to get reservations there. After they checked in, she registered Lindsay for a supervised beach party, which fortuitously included youngsters registered at the B & B. She arranged to have Lindsay dropped off there. Catherine then set off to implement her plan.

When she got to the B & B, she was even more disappointed that they weren't staying there. The furnishings were quaint and the atmosphere was welcoming. Several guests were sitting in chairs that over looked the ocean. A mature woman with graying dark hair approached her.

"Can I help you? I hope you're not looking for a room. I'm afraid we're booked until Thursday."

Catherine smiled. "I found that out when I tried to book last week. I'm on holiday in the area with my daughter and had thought we might stay here. I had heard about it from Sara Sidle, whom I suspect is your daughter. We used to work together in Las Vegas. I'm Catherine Willows." Catherine held out her hand.

The older woman took the hand weakly, obviously stunned. She glanced about unsure what to do.

Proceeding with her plan, Catherine forged on, "I haven't heard from Sara since she left. She didn't even tell us where she was going. How is she doing?"

At that moment, the French doors overlooking the beach opened and Sara entered.

Catherine now understood why Sara had fled Grissom and Las Vegas and ran to the safety of her mother's arms. She was pregnant.

Sara took off her sunglasses and saw Catherine, whose mouth was still agape.

"Catherine, what are you doing here?"

Recovering, Catherine smiled. "Lindsay and I came this way for a few days. She wanted to see the ocean. I tried to book a room here but it's full. We're staying up at the Generations Resort. Lindsay is at a beach party that I guess will end up here. I thought I'd check the place out while I waited for her."

"It's okay, Ellen. I'll be fine." The older woman nodded and went to the reception area, but kept close, watching the proceedings.

Turning to Catherine Sara explained. "Ellen is my foster mother. I won't go into the details of my childhood. Suffice it to say that the circumstances have always made Ellen Tramle very protective of me."

Catherine nodded slowly and stood with her mouth opened.

"Wow. Sara. I don't know what to say."

"Catherine Willows, speechless. That's got to be one for the books." Sara smiled in spite of herself.

"Why didn't you tell him?" Catherine asked.

"What makes you so sure I didn't?" Sara responded.

"Because if he knew, he never would have let you leave. Or he'd be here with you now."

"And that's exactly why you had better not tell him."

"Don't you think he has the right to know?"

"Probably. But I spent 4 years waiting for him, wanting him, loving him. I won't let this baby be a tool, a means to getting what I so desperately wanted, still want. This baby is all that's important now. If he doesn't want me for me, he won't have either of us. I have finally found some pride.

"Catherine, swear to me that you will not tell him about this baby. Or for that matter, where I am. Or even that you have seen me."

Catherine shook her head. "This is wrong, Sara. He loves you."

Sara huffed. "Yes, so much that he couldn't even look me in the face the day after we made love. He gave me the most amazing night of my life, then walked away as if it were nothing. Because it was nothing to him."

Catherine had to say something. "You're wrong. He felt he had been a disappointment to you, to himself. He wanted more for you."

Sara shook her head in disbelief. "Swear to me on Lindsay's life, or I'll have to go someplace else to have this baby. I'd rather have it here with the support of my family. But I'll leave if I have to."

Catherine reluctantly nodded. "I swear on Lindsay's life that I will not tell Grissom that the woman he loves is having his baby or that she is at her mother's." She would have to find another way.

Chapter Three

"We saw Sara, Uncle Gil!" Lindsay bounded into the lab with adolescent exuberance.

Grissom looked up sharply and stared pointedly at Catherine. Lindsay continued on in a stream of jabber. "My friend from the beach party was staying where Sara is living now and when we got back to her hotel, no, it's not a hotel. What is it mommy?"

"A Bed & Breakfast," Catherine responded.

"Yes, a B & B. When we got back, Sara was there with mommy. She's getting fat."

"She's not fat. She's put on a few pounds. She looks better." Catherine understood Sara's reasoning for not letting Grissom know about the baby. She would feel the same way. She wouldn't play that card unless she absolutely had to. But she had no qualms about letting her daughter divulge the information she had promised not to give.

"Where's Warrick? I want to tell him about the surf board I go to ride."

"I think he's in DNA with Greg," Grissom answered, still looking at Catherine. When Lindsay bounded out, he asked, "How is she?"

"Gil, she made me promise not to tell you where she was or even that I had seen her. But there is one thing I can tell you. She is moving on with her life. But not in the direction you expected."

Grissom raised his eyebrow in question.

"Gil, do you trust me?"

"With my life, Catherine."

"Then trust me on this. You need to contact her. You need to make sure she knows you love her. Because it is not only your life at stake. If you don't, you will regret it for the rest of your life."

Grissom shook his head. "She is moving on. Let her find the man who will give her what she needs."

In frustration, Catherine shouted, "You have given her what she needs!" In a calmer voice, "Don't walk away from her, Gil. She needs you, now more than ever."

Grissom's eyes narrowed. "What are you not telling me, Catherine?"

"I told you, I promised on Lindsay's life I wouldn't tell you. Just trust me. Go to her. Before you miss out on….the life you both deserve."

Chapter Four

Grissom sat in the rental car. Now that he was here, he didn't know what to do.

After his night of… inadequacy, he had been certain of the proper course of action. Sara deserved more. She would move on if he ignored her, treated her like the ass he was. It had taken longer than he expected, but she had responded - in a way he hadn't expected. She had left, had physically moved on. He had assumed she would emotionally move on, but still be at the lab. He could still be near her, see her on a daily basis. But she had left. And a part of him died inside. He was willing to make the sacrifice, knowing that Sara was moving on to a better life. When you loved someone, you were willing to suffer torture for the rest of your life if it brought them peace.

And then Catherine butt in and disrupted his certainties. She tried to convince him that sex doesn't matter, that his love for Sara, and her love returned is what really matters. He wanted to believe Catherine. He wanted to believe that he and Sara could have a life together despite his inability to keep up with her sexually. But he had seen to much in his fifty years of life to believe that love could conquer all. After 18 hours of uninterrupted sleep, he had come to his senses and tried to forget the conversation.

Lindsay's bombshell that they had actually seen Sara had unnerved him. The intensity of Catherine's insistence that he see Sara unnerved him even more. There was something she wasn't telling him. And it scared him. Enough to bring him to Tamales Bay.

Grissom took a deep breath and opened the car door. He was only vaguely aware of the beauty of the location as he walked to the entrance and through the handcrafted doors. Just inside the entrance, he saw Sara sitting at a desk and talking on the phone, apparently booking rooms for future guests. When she looked up to see who had entered, she stopped in mid-sentence. After a moment, she regained her composure and responded into the phone, "Yes, I'm still here. I'm sorry, I was distracted by a guest. I'll put a confirmation in the mail to you tomorrow, Mrs. Gilbraith. We'll see you on the 15th. Good bye."

Sara's eyes returned to Grissom as he approached her.

"How are you, Sara?"

"Surviving. So much for Catherine's integrity."

"Catherine did not tell me anything. Which is why I'm here. She wouldn't tell me anything and I was worried. Lindsay told me she had seen you and where you were."

"Ok, you've seen me. I'm fine. Now you can go back." Sara lowered her eyes and pretended to go back to work.

Grissom sighed and turned to leave. He took two steps, and stopped.

"NO."

Sara looked up startled.

"I came here to make sure you were OK. You tell me that you are fine. I trust you, just as I always have. But you need to know something, something I should have told you the morning after…" Grissom paused and started anew. "Sara, Catherine believes that you would be comforted to know the truth about…" Grissom shook his head, frustrated by his inability to verbalize his feelings. He took a deep breath.

"I love you. I love you more than life itself. Which is why I can't be with you. You deserve a man who can give you everything you desire, not..." Grissom looked around to see who might be listening "… an old man with no stamina, interested only in bugs, and you.

"I should have explained that to you instead of acting like our night together wasn't important. Like it wasn't a dream come true. Even if it did come true to soon, it was the most important night of my life."

"Grissom, what the hell are you talking about?"

"Premature ejaculation is an insult to you Sara. And I am not about to insult you again."

Sara stared at Grissom, mouth open. She wanted to laugh, but knew for Grissom, this was not a laughing matter. She thought a moment, contemplating how to best phrase her response.

"Grissom, in your vast sexual experience, have you and your partner always climaxed together?"

"In my less than vast experience, until six months ago, yes. It's not you, Sara, believe me. I'm getting older. It happens to older men."

"And younger men," Sara said with a snicker. "Grissom, I am in awe at your amazing track record. And your naiveté. I don't think my sexual experience is vast. But I do know a few things from experience. Stimulation is different each time one has…an encounter. One's mood, recent sexual activities, alcohol, lot's of things contribute. It is not uncommon for couples to climax separately. In the physical sense. But if a couple is truly making love, each experiences the climax of their partner whether together or separate. So our one amazing night together, I had two climaxes – yours and mine. I'd like to think you did the same."

Grissom stood still for a long time in thought. His world had suddenly flipped on its side. His very limited sexual exploits did not afford him an expertise in the field. But what Sara said made sense. And if that was the case, maybe there was a chance for them. Maybe they had a chance regardless. Because despite it all, she loved him. One look into her eyes told him that. Grissom smiled and nodded his head.

"Sara Sidle, you are one smart woman. Even smarter than I realized. Please, come back to Vegas. Give me the chance to show you how much I love you. Give **us** another chance."

Sara just sat there smiling, tears pooling in her eyes. Grissom moved around the desk to take her in his arms. She stood at the same time and melted into his embrace, their lips meeting.

But the kiss didn't last long. Grissom immediately pulled back and held Sara at arms length. He looked at her swollen abdomen. His mouth dropped.

"I thought you were on the pill?"

"Apparently the dosage was enough to regulate my cycle but not enough to prevent pregnancy."

"You weren't going to tell me?"

"No."

"Am I not the father? Didn't I deserve to know?"

"I've already had this conversation with Catherine. How could I tell you we were going to have a baby when you apparently didn't want anything to do with its mother? It would seem like a trick to get you. I wouldn't put myself through that."

Grissom stood for a moment in thought, then took Sara in his arms in an embrace that she thought would never end. "I've put you through hell, haven't I? I really don't deserve you."

"Well you've got me now, like it or not. Perhaps it's time you met my mother."

Chapter Five

"Grissom, good to see you back. How's the baby doing?" The new replacement for Nick (Grissom could never remember his name) was eating an apple as he plopped in the chair awaiting assignments. It was Grissom's first night back since his son had been born. He still couldn't get the stupid smile off his face.

"Jorge and Sara are both doing fine. By the way, we spell it J-O-R-G-E. You had it wrong on the card. Sara insisted on that spelling. I think someone she knows spells it that way."

Catherine and Sara's replacement came in at this. Funny how, even after almost a year, Grissom just couldn't remember the names of the two replacements.

"When are you bringing him in for us to meet? You know, I've never even met your wife." The replacement feigned acting a bit miffed.

"You'll not ever see them around here. Sara let herself get too involved in cases. It almost ruined her life. It's better for her to stay away. And I don't want my son being exposed to the ugly side of life before he has to.

"Catherine you two get a possible rape in Henderson. Warrick, you guys get a hit and run downtown. I'll be catching up on paperwork if anyone needs help."

Grissom went back to his office and settled down at his desk. He had seen what happened when one didn't separate work from home life. He was going to make sure there was no crossover between the two. He and Sara had created a life together in which they could be happy and raise their son. Nothing was going to jeopardize that, even if he had to quit the job he loved.

He might quit anyway if he and Sara followed through with their plans to have another baby in two years. UNLV contacted him regularly, every time there was a vacancy in their biology department. A faculty position would afford him more regular hours and the time for an old man to enjoy his family.

A thought occurred to Grissom. He looked into his directory and picked up the phone to dial. When the voice on the other end answered, Grissom smiled at the memory of the last time he had called the florist. "This is Dr. Gil Grissom. I'd like you to send a bouquet of flowers to Catherine Willows at the CSI Division, Las Vegas PD on North Trop Boulevard. On the card, put 'thanks for pushing me into life' and sign it 'Gill'.


End file.
